The Kids We Couldn’t Handle… or the Kids We Didn’t?

Last week, I took my class on a field trip to a prison. We heard from four inmates who shared their life stories—how they got there, the choices they made, and the paths that led them to incarceration. Three of the four began their stories in almost the exact same way: “I was a very bad kid…” That sentence hit me hard.

Not just because they believed it—but because somewhere along the way, someone let them believe it. As they continued, a pattern emerged. All three had spent time in the foster care system. They spoke about adults who “couldn’t handle them,” who sent them away, who didn’t stick it out through the hard days.

And I couldn’t help but ask the question sitting heavy on my heart: Was it that they couldn’t handle them… or that they didn’t want to?

The Myth of the “Unhandleable” Child

Now, I understand—there are difficult situations. There are extreme cases. But in general? You’re an adult. You’re telling me you can’t handle a child? Or is it that you don’t want to do the work it takes to handle them?

When we adopted our children from foster care, we didn’t go into it halfway. We didn’t expect it to be easy. In fact, we did the opposite — when the tough got going — we quit our jobs and committed fully to changing the trajectory of their lives. Not because we’re extraordinary. But because we understood what was required. They needed bonding and attention, everything they hadn’t gotten up to the moment we received them

While speaking with the inmates, I asked them: “No one was willing to do the hard work with you? To stay through the bad days?” They said no. I shared that I had adopted children from foster care. One responded: “Yeah… but I was bad.” Not in a manipulative way but in a way that they believed was taking accountability. And I said: “I understand, my kids had problems but I just kept showing up.” When they ran away, I looked for them and insisted they come home. And the next time, and the next time and the time after that.

Because that’s the difference. Not perfection. Not magic. Not some secret parenting technique. Just… showing up. Over and over and over again.

The Truth About Children with Attachment Issues

Here’s what people don’t understand: all children test boundaries. However, children with attachment issues? They don’t eventually get tired and soften. They will push you to your absolute limit—your last ounce of patience, your last thread of sanity—and then they will push again. Not because they’re “bad.” But because they are asking a question they don’t know how to put into words: “Are you going to leave too?”

So as a parent, you have to pace yourself. You have to prepare for the hard days. And when the good days come? You don’t assume they’re permanent. You rest. You regroup. You brace yourself—because the cycle will come back around.

Parenting Like Teaching

In many ways, it’s like teaching. You can’t go full intensity every single day—lectures, hands-on activities, constant engagement. It’s not sustainable. You’d burn out. So you balance it. You build in quieter days. Independent work. Time to breathe, plan, regroup.

Parenting—especially children with trauma—is the same. You take the good moments as opportunities to reset, because you know the storm will return. And when it does, you’re ready.

The Real Issue: Self-Regulation

At their core, many of these children struggle with one fundamental issue: They cannot self-soothe. Their nervous systems are constantly activated—on edge, alert, reactive. They may have brief moments of calm, but it doesn’t last. And if no one teaches them how to regulate? They grow into adults who still can’t.

When Prison Becomes Structure

One of the most striking themes from the inmates was this: They needed structure. One inmate told a story that touched my teacher heart, he said “I was always like this. I would get off track at school but I had this one teacher one time that took me aside, next to their desk, and I would get my work done there next to her” They needed someone to tell them what to do. And prison… provides that. Which led to a chilling realization: For some, prison isn’t as much of a punishment as society may think. For some it can be a little comforting.

Because for the first time, there are rules. Boundaries. Predictability. But what they lack—what they all spoke about—is the ability to self-regulate, though they didn’t use that specific term.

So let’s ask the real question: Why would an adult need to be locked in a cage to keep from doing what’s wrong? The answer doesn’t start in adulthood. It starts in childhood.

“I Stole Cars…”

One inmate proving how bad he was said, “I stole cars.” Another murdered someone at 16 years of age. And my mind immediately went to: Where were the adults? Who was showing up? Who was saying: “I love you, but you cannot live this way.”

Did someone come visit them when they were arrested? Did someone keep reminding them they mattered—even when their behavior didn’t reflect it?Because if you can cut a child off—emotionally, physically, relationally—and stop telling them they are loved… You were never really in it to begin with. I will never not take a phone call or a text message from one of my “children.” They always know how to reach me and I will always respond.

What Parenting Is—and What It Isn’t

Let’s be clear:

• Parenting is not publicly shaming your child on social media.
• Parenting is not enabling destructive behavior to avoid conflict.
• Parenting is not handing them everything and calling it love.
• Parenting is not sticking them in a facility/camp/behavioral institution for long periods of time so that you don’t have to deal with them.
• Parenting is not refusing to do the hard work of therapy with them so that you both can work on it together.
• Parenting is not loving your “love interest” more so that you ignore your child for them.

That’s not strength. That’s avoidance. Real parenting is hard. It’s saying no. It’s holding boundaries. It’s letting consequences happen—while still standing beside them. It’s doing the hard work every single day.

The Hard Truth About the Foster System

There was also a painful theme among the inmates: Some believed their foster parents were in it for the money. And if that’s true? That’s a betrayal of the highest order. Using a vulnerable child for personal gain is something I don’t even have words for. And it begs a bigger question: This is the best system we have?

In a country that claims to be the greatest in the world?

Because here’s the reality: We pay for this system either way. We either invest in children… Or we pay later through prisons, crime, and mental health crises.

A Different Outcome

After the inmates left, one of the prison staff approached me to say he heard my story and to thank me and tell me about his experience. He had also grown up in foster care—placed from birth, moved from home to home. But his story ended differently. A private high school (the one I teach at, pure coincidence) offered his foster parents a full scholarship if he graduated from a Catholic elementary school. He was in middle school at the time.

Graduating from a Catholic elementary school became his goal. His foster parents stuck with him. He graduated both a Catholic elementary school and high school. The day after graduation from high school he joined the Air Force. And though he was never formally adopted, he told me: “They were my parents.” True story.

He also said something I’ll never forget: “Kids like us just need someone who’s ride or die.”

Full Circle

A week later, I got into an Uber out of town. The driver, Kenneth, told me his main job was lobbying with the American Friends Service Committee—working against legislation in West Virginia that contributes to poverty. I sat there thinking: Maybe there’s hope. Between young people like him, and the students I brought to that prison… Maybe the next generation will do better.

Final Thought

Whether you believe you can succeed with foster children—or you believe you can’t—you’re right. Because this work requires something unshakable: An iron-clad commitment. Not to perfection. Not to control. But to staying. To showing up. To doing the necessary work—especially when it’s hardest.

Because the truth is…They were never “bad kids.” They were kids waiting for one adult to believe they were worth the hard work—and to prove it by staying.

From my blended heart to yours 💛
Kari